I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
