i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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