im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
