for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
