At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize