mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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