Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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