I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize