this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
