just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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