2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
