nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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