Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
