I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
