Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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