He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
two words: eviction party
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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