If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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