now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
