WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
