Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
