I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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