Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize