I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
