My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
