Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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