You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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