Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
