he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize