this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Farmville is her only friend.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
