Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
