He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
