My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize