just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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