So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
