I wish my penis had an off switch
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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