the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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