1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
