You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
