so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
