how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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