my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
