It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
