I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
