Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pappa wants mamma naked
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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