he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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