i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
