I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
