oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
