Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
