I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
