im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
