what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
