I can tuck mytits in my pants
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
