Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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