my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
