dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
