Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Randomize
