i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
