I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
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