i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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