I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
