so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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